APRIL 13, 2012 BY CASTIMONIA
by unsettledandunrested
If the title doesn’t give you the notion as to whether you should read this post, then I suppose I commend you to read on. This is just an honest account of my life. Whether or not this helps you, makes you feel bad for me, or motivates you for a course of action with a friend or for yourself with similar problems, then I suppose the post will have been beneficial.
It wasn’t until middle school, eighth grade to be exact, that I started looking at porn. The sad thing is that I cannot even remember how it started. The next thing I should add is that porn and masturbation usually coincide, at least for me. In fact, I believe that I started masturbating even before porn came into view. Not to put the blame on others than myself, but it was a stark change from elementary to middle school and I learned things I shouldn’t have in that time of life. My fellow middle school classmates and friends corrupted me, drastically. Before porn, I was masturbating even before I knew what I was doing. It was more of an experimental concept for me. I had heard friends and other classmates on the bus talk about things and I can only guess that I took things into my own hands, literally, and the rest is history.
Fast forward from being 13 years old to being 22 years old and I am eyes deep into porn, still. It’s funny how New Years resolutions for me fall into unspoken “I am going to stop looking at porn this year.” And then I fail and convince myself that I’ll quit later on in the year when my birthday comes around. My birthday passes right through, and I make it a day or two, maybe three.
I am at this point in life right now where I consider myself rock bottom with porn. I am sick of it. I don’t know why I look and that feeling of “what the hell did I just do that for” comes immediately after masturbation. The before and after are always, “I probably shouldn’t do this.” and the middle is often times, “Why am I doing this? I should just stop and do something else. Go play sports or something.” Needless to say, it’s been awhile since I’ve done anything and it’s a good feeling. I am sure you’re wondering how this sin ties in with being a Christian.
Perhaps this is a completely different blog post that needs to come into fruition, but I’ll summarize. Being a Christian doesn’t mean I am perfect. If anything, there is a such a standard placed on Christians that we are destined to fail. Not only through the eyes of society, but even God. We are born into sin. Only by God’s grace and sending Jesus to die for us are we even considered. Outside of Jesus, we are dead. I am human just like the next person and I make mistakes just as much as someone that has no ties to religion or someone that believes in something different. Give me a chance and know that I will not claim to have all the answers and say that I am perfect. I do strive to do what I can to do what is right.
I believe the most beneficial thing that someone that looks at porn can do that wants to stop is to surround yourself with solid friends that care about you and tell them your situation and demand accountability. It’s also tough because often times accountability lasts a week, if that, and then disappears. Let people know about your situation and your mind on it and your intentions to stop and ask them to ask about it.
I hope that the time comes sooner than later, hopefully this year, that I can say that I have been free for a month, and then two months, and then three. A year from then I’ll be celebrating a year and know that it isn’t something that is a one time breakaway but a constant battle for and with myself. The battle, it doesn’t end, so they say.
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